Decisions, decisions, decisions.... Can't you decide for yourself? I mean.... I already have a lot going on right now.... I don't need more to worry about.
If you aren't aware of my decisions right now, here they are:
- Homeschooling. Yes? No? Would it be good for me? Would it be too much time at home? Would it ruin my social life? Is it worth it?
- Therpy. Do I think it would be helpful? Who do I want to go to? Where would be the best place?
- Outside family. Do I tell them about me and everything that's going on so that they're aware? Or would it just worry them more? Same questions goes with friends.
Yes, there are more things that I have to decide but for now those are the biggest ones.
There's been a lot going on with my life in the past few weeks. Dare2Share, church, friends, breakups, fights, and overall life. For those of you who don't know, Dare2Share is a youth conference that talks about your life with God and saving others from going to Hell. Yes, yes... I'm "one of those Jesus Freaks." I'm proud of that. I know that I will always have somebody with me when I'm having one of my lonely moments. I'm never alone. I know that I have somebody to fall back on when I get pushed down. One of the youth leaders of our group pulled me aside because I was having a hard time sitting there and listening to some of the conversations that my youth group was having. She pulled me aside and said, "I don't know if this is really the right time to do this... but I had a feeling that I had to show this to you." She then pulled out her Bible and opened it to Psalm 139. I won't write the whole verse but I recoment that you look it up and read it for yourself. Go on and read the rest of the book of Psalm. It's really cool how it just fits in with life. With each passing verse that I read I feel closer to Him. Only He knows me completely. Only He can fully understand me. I'll let you figure out what the words say. You might be suprised by the feeling you get when you read it.
Next on the list is friends and breakups. To start, I really liked this guy that I got to know. We were in the same drama class, I worked backstage for the play that he was in, we talked a lot, and hung out frequently. He eventually asked me out and I said yes that next day. According to our friends we had gotten the "Cutest Couple Award Of The Year." I got him going to my youth group. We were super happy about our relationship. One problem... I'm a freshman and he's a senior. You might say, "Oh, that's totally wrong. 4 years apart? What were you thinking!?" I saw it this way... We should just enjoy the time that we had together and not waste time hiding behind a wall to cover up our feelings. The relationship lasted about a month. We went to Dare2Share with my youth group and we had a great time. But I started to relize that... I don't know how I can take care and love somebody else if I can't take care and love myself. I think that to care and to love somebody else, I have to care and love for myself first. At least try to learn how to. So that was pretty much the else of the relationship. We broke up that following Tuesday and that was that. Since then we've talked and we decided that we had to be friends if nothing else. I'm glad that I still have support from him because I've put him through so much. And maybe if it was meant to be, we could maybe try again after I graduate from high school. But for now I've decided that I don't want to be in a relationship. I need to take care of myself first before I can take care of somebody else. I'm happy with my decision. I've told my friends this reasoning and they all think it's super mature of me (Haha!). I've made a couple new friends over the last few weeks and I've helped different friends with some difficult situations. I love them to death and would do anything for them. They're there when I need a shoulder to cry on. I couldn't ask for anything more. :)
Last on the list is fights. I probably won't get into so much detail only because I don't really like to talk about it and if I do get into detail it'll be too overwhelming for me. So anyways... I think it was last week, I was talking with my mom and we were talking about what was going on. I stayed home sick Tuesday and I called home sick Wednesday after half a day at school. I wouldn't tell her (not because I didn't what her to know, but because I didn't know exactly what it was). She started getting angry and yelling at me (which only really made me feel worse than how I was already feeling) for not telling her and all this bologna. She told me that I have to deal with everything and that if I wasn't going to talk to her then I have to go back to the therpist I saw (which I really didn't want to go back because I didn't like it there) and talk to that lady. After her yelling and getting angry and upset, we both went our seprate ways; hers to the garage and mine to my room. I sat in my room for a good hour and I began to write to let out all my feelings. I really couldn't tell you what I wrote because I was so angry I just wrote everything. I haven't looked at it since and I probably won't. But anyways, the fight ended badly but eventually she said sorry for acting that way and that we can talk if I want. She told me to find things that would help me with my life and things that would make me happier. I'm working on that list. One is one of my big decisions; being homeschooled. And if I figure out anymore information on that I shall blog about it later, because right now I'm kinda excited that I might not have to be at school next year. I hate it there. I can't stand it. But more about that next time.
I hope I didn't bore you with all my rants about what's going on in my life right now... lol. Just remember that God's always with you and I'm here to talk if you need. :)
Sincerely,
Katie
my dear Katie, Thanks for writing this down and sharing it. I would love to sit down and talk with you about it sometime soon. :D I love you!
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